|
hopeless_romantic88
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: felisa
Birthday: 7/6/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: reading, music (i'm ecclectic so basically everything) although currently emo/punk/alternative are my favorites, dancing, sleeping, guys ( no particular type as of yet), surfing the net, chatting,One Tree Hill (CMM is hott!), Harry Potter (cn't wait till the 4th movie!!!) writing,friends,family...you know, the usual.
Bands include:
Fall Out Boy, The Killers, Dashboard Confessional, Hawthorne Heights, My Chemical Romance, Relient K, Brand New, Rufio, Yellowcard, Linkin Park, Busted, TBS, Matchbook Romance...hmm...the list goes on and on and on.
Expertise: being sarcastic,stressing and procrastinating (which is usually always why i'm stressing :P )
Message: message me
MSN: twisted_ainjell88@hotmail.com
Member Since:
11/2/2004
|
|
| i am going to cry.
i don't even know why.
i can't say the stress is getting to me...
cause i'm USED to being stressed out.
i think lately i just feel like no matter what i do,
it's never enough.
take today for instance.
it's mother's day.
it's mother's day, and because it is mother's day
and i completely forgot mother's day was this weekend due
to my damn exams,,
i have been running around doing errands and last minute plans
to prepare for mother's day.
and how do i spend it?
by finishing those errands, and making things ready,
and picking up my sister and her kids, and doing all these preparations.
then my mom comes home and we have a somewhat enjoyable afternoon,
but i know it's not enough.
why is that you may ask?
cause no matter what plans i may have made,
no matter how special i ATTEMPTED to make the day,
it doesn't change two facts.
fact number one) it seems as though my dad couldn't care less.
he didn't ask if i was planning anything.
he didn't suggest we go shopping for mom.
he didn't even stay around for the gift opening or
the cake.
romantic, no?
fact number two) my mom has this big inspection coming up.
and i mean, this is really stupid,
cause i KNOW it's an important inspection.
but it's like....i used most of the weekend to make this great
mother's day thing for her....
and yeah, she did take a few hours out of her work day
to come and enjoy it....
but then she went right back to it.
right back to preparing for it.
it's kinda like....i can put my life on semi-hold for her....
but she couldn't do the same ?
or something along those lines.
it just....ugh....really bothers me.
like no matter what i do, it's not good enough.
oh, which brings me to my other depressing topic.
we had our rehearsal today.
for my theater final tomorrow.
and i am not loud enough.
you're probably saying, so what?
big deal. right?
well to me it IS a big deal.
cause this whole time i have done all
i possibly could to make this play DAMN good.
yes, i'd like it to be the best, but that's not a requirement.
i just want it to be something i can be PROUD to perform, you know?
anyway, i do all this stuff. spend all this time.
then i get up there and find out i can't even be heard.
it's like, why the fck do i even try??
sighs.
oh yeah,
and let's not forget the fact that this is finals week.
my biggest final, calculus, is on wednesday.
and i will not be able to really study for it till tuesday.
classic, right?
and the thing is,
i know i'm gonna freak out tuesday and try to cram my ass off
but it won't do any good.
i'll be lucky to get a C
which would probably bring my whole math average to a C.
in highschool this was unacceptable.
now, it seems to be a pattern.
at least where math is concerned.
then that brings me to my whole
questioning my future thing.
why am i choosing a path where
i seem to be doing badly in.
well not badly, but average.
and in my mind that IS badly because
how is barely passing gonna
help land me a job.
everything is just.....*sigh*
there's not even a word for it.
i wish i could just take a step back from the world
and take a breath for a moment or two.
maybe clear my head.
it's like i have all this stuff,
and i'm always near tears....
except the tears never come.
i can't even do THAT properly.
dammit.
=(
| | |
| Wow it's been forever since i've written on this thing.
I just have to say it's very satisfying to go back and read all those entries
and be brought back to different times in my life.
then again, its a little depressing to realize how much some things have changed
and how some things that you wish WOULD change have hopelessly stayed as they are.
still, i told myself i'd put up a new entry, and though i SHOULD be studying for my calc exam
i had a bit of a catharsis to get out of my system
so i now have new lyrics.
if anyone at all happens to actually come across this,
enjoy <33
Another Dead End
Lying here
Thinking about
This mess I’ve got myself into
What am I doing
What have I done
What am I going to do?
These useless moments
And meaningless words
Just keep on piling up
I’ve realized
That frankly I’ve
Been shit out of luck
Or am I
just stuck
Wishing you were real
Bridge:
So tired of
All these loose ends
And roads leading to nowhere
I’m finding that I’m
Desperately trying
Deep down not to care
Chorus:
Cause it’s all a bunch of nothing
Even when I think
It’s something
It never turns out to be
Quite true
And I’m
Standing at a crossroads
Deciding which
Way to go
I could go there
But it’d probably just be
Another
Dead End.
Sometimes i
Get struck by
These impulsive moments
Though fairly fleeting and few
But it’s better
Than just sitting here
And waiting for
something new to come
So I
make my move
And I
play the fool
Looking for love in all
the wrong places
Faces pass
Knew it wouldn’t last
And I’m back here
At square one
What should I have done
Differently
Oh would you help me
Find the road to take
Bridge:
So tired of
All these loose ends
And roads leading to nowhere
I’m finding that I’m
Desperately trying
Deep down not to care
Chorus:
Cause it’s all a bunch of nothing
Even when I think
It’s something
It never turns out to be
Quite true
I’m standing at a crossroads
Deciding which way
To go
I could go there
But it’d probably just be
Another
Dead End
Oh won’t somebody
Come and find me
Right now I am hiding
Here in plain view
I’ll let you know all
Of my secrets
Take the key to my heart
And keep it
But this time please don’t be
Just another
Dead end.
©Felisa Fernandez
Apr 25, 2007 | | |
| i don't know that i'm ready for this.
right now i feel like things are changing...but they're not changing for the better.
i mean, i like this whole college thing. the freedom. but....it's not the same. and in a lot of ways, i miss how things were. i miss the predictablity of it all....i miss knowing what is expected of me and doing not only that but better....i miss the comfort of having all the people i care about around me everyday....and now. its all gone. clean slate. all that work....vanished.
things have changed. and its not the same anymore.
people have left. people are leaving. people WILL leave in the near future.
it never stops.
and things just aren't the best with myself at the moment.....i feel less than what i was. everyone around me is changing and here i am, once again...staying same old bland,boring, predictable, stressed out me.
i wanted change....but i wanted changes that i'd like. and right now i just don't like them. i don't like them at all.
even the superficial things are bothering me..and normally they dn't. normally i can brush them aside...at least outwardly. but i can feel it. i've gained weight, i haven't gotten my hair done like i wanted.....its all these little things piling up and soon they will have taken me up whole.
i feel suffocated. i'm hoping it goes away.
i'm hoping i stay friends with those who've left.
i'm hoping i stay friends with those who are here.
i'm hoping i get the hang of this whole college thing and don't completely fail as i fear i will...
i hope i can find a job. one that i actually like this time.
i hope for a lot of things...but the funny thing is that while i'm hoping i feel like its all in vain.
what good is hope, when you're not completely sure your hopes won't come crashing down around you.
they have before....what's a few more times?
right?
*sigh* | | |
| now i remember why i love xanga.
no one ever really goes on it....not anymore anyway. so i am free to vent.
first point i want to make is : boys are stupid.
second point i want to make is: relationships are complicated and probably not even worth the trouble it takes to get into.
third & final point: there's a reason its called "the ILLUSION of love" because at the end...that's all it is. an illusion. a fantasy. something you thought you wanted....got so close to having....but was dragged away from you at the last moment....or turned out to be not even close to what you were picturing. illusions were meant to be looked at from a far. not chased after....not brought up close to.
cause then they lose all their fun.
ack. must sleep...to be continued.....
| | |
| i cn't concentrate.
i'm really restless....and for some reason i can't explain why....its like every little thing is bothering me right now...and i cn't for the life of me focus on any one particular thing.
i know i have homework. i have an agenda i need to write.....i have some things i'm supposed to be figuring out...my stupid application for college....my precal test to study for.
but i can't THINK.
and i can't stop jiggling my foot...really it's beginning to take on a life of its own.
i want to sleep. but i dn't think i can even do that.....
four more weeks. its so depressing. =(
restlessly yours,
felisa</3 | | |
|
